Dear Neighbor (A Rant)

Girl with a gesture of shh isolated on a white background

Dear Neighbor,

Thank you for banging on our door at 8:45pm during the Super Bowl to complain about our noise level.  We happened to have had the loveliest group of children over who, while being extremely sporty and enthusiastic about the game, were not wild or aggressive in any way.  It could have been a lot worse.  Your behavior last night, coupled with the time you came up on a Saturday night to scream at our 25 year-old babysitter at 10:15pm because our kids were making too much noise WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING, proves what a meshugganah you are.

Because you’re a raving lunatic, it’s almost impossible to feel bad for you.  But, in a way, I do, because you are so out of touch with reality.  Here’s the thing: we don’t bounce basketballs, we don’t wear shoes, we don’t play the drums or allow tackle football.  All we do is walk around barefoot or in socks and sometimes the kids (ages 7 and 5) run a little.  Basically, we’re living our life.  Our floors are 80% covered, as required by the building.  My guess is that even if they were 100% covered, you would still find us to be noisy. I promise you that we’re not trying to be insensitive or intentionally loud.  We’re just living our lives.  You should invest in a white noise machine.  Or a house in the suburbs.

I’m not good at confrontation, so when you came up the other night I ran away and asked my husband to deal with you.  But here’s what I wanted to say:

  • Don’t come back or I’ll have to get a restraining order
  • Move away
  • I have friends at the U.S. Attorney’s office
  • We have a doctor here and she’s worried about you because you seem to be out of your mind
  • Move away
  • Stop calling me a liar.  I really believe that our floors are 80% covered.  If they’re not, we can get an additional rug.  But then I will be commence stomping so loudly all the time that the noise level will be worse than it is now.
  • I’m a lawyer and your behavior is considered assault as well as intentional infliction of emotional distress (my favorite tort; note that intentional infliction of emotional distress is inflicted upon me daily, by various people and circumstances)
  • Are you hungry or tired?  My kids act crazy when they’re hungry and tired
  • Move away
  • Did you leave your baby alone in the apartment in order to come up here and scream at us?
  • I can’t wait until your baby is 2 and you keep telling him to be quiet as he bounces balls,  runs around like a chicken with his head cut off and rides on toys with wheels.  I’m sure he’ll listen to you.  Two year-olds are known for their listening skills.
  • We’re going to be starting a roller derby league that will practice twice a week in our apartment on the 20% of our floors that aren’t covered.
  • I just wanted to alert you to the fact that, tomorrow, we’re going to be–wait for it, wait for it…living in our apartment.
  • You know what they say about the squeaky wheel?  It has no friends.
  • I’m pregnant with twins.  Boys.   
  • Move away

6 thoughts on “Dear Neighbor (A Rant)

  1. Dying…you also need to mention that you have an HR Exec. who is does well with confrontation, reasoning and crazy eyes…KEEP WRITING!!!

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