This is one of those times that I wish I’d paid more attention in technology class. What? We didn’t have technology class back in the 90s? And there still isn’t such a thing as “technology class”? We’re just supposed to know how to do things?
Anyway, the reason that I would like to know how to use technology is that last night I went to Caroline’s on Broadway to see Jay Pharaoh of SNL and he brought me on stage as part of his act and I almost died of: HOLY SHIT IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? MY HAIR ISN’T CLEAN AND I’M WEARING UGGS, DEAR GOD WHY DIDN’T I PUT ON REAL SHOES AND SOME LIP GLOSS OH MY GOD.
I was at the comedy club with two good friends, one of whom took a video of my “performance”, and I would like to share it with you but I can’t figure out how to do it. But, if you picture me staring straight ahead, shaking like a kid who’s just done the polar bear plunge, mouth as dry as the Sahara but attempting to smile nonetheless, while a comedian does a performance behind my back so I can’t see what he’s doing but can only see and hear everyone in the audience laughing, that’s what it looked like. Suffice it to say, I will think twice about how I look if I ever go to a comedy club again (which I will likely do because they are awesome) because you just never know.
And here’s when I got my big break and became famous. Throughout Jay’s act, he used the name “Karen” to refer generically (and insultingly, but in the least offensive way possible) to all white women of a certain ilk, of which I am probably one. Such as (paraphrasing terribly), “If you’re a black man and you go to a white person’s party, if you say that you’re “friends with Karen”, they will usher you right in and provide you with the best food, drink and service available.” “Karen” is the key to all good things, but she’s kind of a gross person. At the end of my time on stage with Jay, he asked my name and I replied “Karen” and he looked surprised and said “Really?”* And then, as a result of my quick wit, and after having uttered only one word to him, he told me that ever since Tina left SNL it hasn’t been the same and he asked if I’d like to join the cast! It was AMAZING and now I am about to be FAMOUS. Wait, what? Oh…my friends that I was with last night said that Jay never told me I could be on SNL or that it hasn’t been the same since Tina left. It seems I heavily embellished/completely fabricated that last part of the story, and now they’re calling me Brian Williams.
*This part actually happened.