I went to see Larry David’s “Fish in the Dark”. I realized a little late in the game that I wanted to see the show and by the time I had this realization the show was sold out. Obviously. So I had to buy tickets from…someone who had them already. Unfortunately, the tickets were in the nose bleed section, in the front row of what I think was the second balcony. I mean, literally (yes, actually, literally, not literally as in “I literally died when she told me that!”), I was so high above the stage that I was staring at the tops of the actors’ heads. The balcony was so steep that I had to clutch the banister on the stairs on the way down and up so I wouldn’t fall. No exaggeration. It was that steep. Once, I made the mistake of turning around to see who was behind me and the incline of the seats made my head spin. But I could barely look in front of me either because the gold railing, the only thing keeping me from certain death, was broken. The whole situation was, in fact, something I could imagine happening to Larry David. It then occurred to me that maybe he set this whole thing up, choosing a theater that had this crazy second balcony to make (some members of) the audience feel not only uncomfortable with the subject matter of the show, but uncomfortable physically as well.
As I sat in the balcony I could practically hear Larry David complaining about the seats: “I don’t like this balcony. No, I DON’T. LIKE. IT. AT. ALL. It’s too steep and rickety. What kind of a word is rickety anyway? Rickety, rickety, rickety. Sounds funny when you keep saying it…I’m getting sea sick looking at the people behind me. When did they build this theater anyway, 1400? Looks old. They say old buildings are safer because builders actually knew what they were doing back then, but I don’t buy it. Does anyone even inspect balconies? Or the chandeliers that hang over the audience? That one chandelier is barely even attached to the ceiling. They should have a balcony inspection certificate on file in the manager’s office…If someone sneezes this balcony is going to collapse. Collapse, I tell you! This is infliction of emotional distress. They should have weighed people before allowing them onto the balcony. ‘Hey you! You over there with the I LOVE NY shirt. How much do you weigh? 200??? Sorry! Above the weight limit. You’re outta here! And tell your pal to put away the peanut M and M’s. Looks like he barely made weight in the first place.'”