All the Jobs I Can’t Do

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Disclaimer: The following post is meant to be funny, not a point of reference for future potential employers.
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In all the years that I’ve been a stay at home mom, I’ve never stopped thinking about careers that could possibly suit me if I ever wanted to go back to work. But every time I try to picture myself starting something new, I quickly discover some major roadblocks. For example, here’s me as a…
Nutritionist
“As you know, you should be eating more of a plant-based diet. But ice cream is sooooooooo good.”
Financial Advisor:
“I don’t care how old you are or how much money you earn. Conserve, conserve, conserve.”
Chef:
*bleeding from all 10 fingers* “Is there a medic here or is that just on tv? Oh and also, I finished the chocolate ganache.”
Member of the Armed Forces
“You go in first, I’ll cover you.” #NotBrave
Podiatrist
“Oh my God, what is that???”
Librarian
“Just put that book back on the shelf. Yes, any shelf. What’s the difference, really? If someone wants it, we’ll find it. I guess.”
Firefighter
“Ooooooh, I’d LOVE to help, but my hair. And also, extreme heat makes me lightheaded.”
Police officer
“Carry a gun? Are you crazy? Guns kill people!”
Gynecologist
“You have HOW MANY sexual partners???”
Instagram influencer
*squinting* “How do you get to the pound symbol again?”
Math teacher
“Could someone please bring me a calculator and that triangle thingy? I swear math was different when I was in middle school.”
Anyone in the fashion industry
“Comfort first!”
Silent auction staff
*watching someone place a bid after time has expired* “It’s very important to me that everyone likes me, so I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that.”
Nursery school teacher
“Tyler, it’s better not to throw sand around the room. No no, don’t cry! It’s ok. You can throw the sand. I’ll clean it up later.”
Sex therapist
“Harry is saying that he wants to have more sex. Which I understand. But Deirdre is saying that she’s just so tired. Which I also understand.”
Trainer
*after 5 minutes* “Get me the AED! I’m DYING.”
Computer Programmer
“It’s broken! Mine’s broken.” *hits screen*
Real estate broker
Client: “I love it! It’s perfect! I’ll take it!”
Me: “Really? I don’t know…There’s a condo going up across the street that will block a lot of your light. And do you hear the neighbor upstairs clacking away on the floor with her heels? And the dog barking? And do you smell fish? I smell fish. Let’s keep looking.”
Doctor
Patient: “I fell on my way to work and my wrist is killing me.”
Me: “OMG, it’s crooked. That looks BAD. I’m about to faint. Catch me.”
Psychologist
Patient: “I have two healthy kids but I’m 43. What if something happens to them and I can’t conceive again? Should I freeze my eggs? Or is that crazy?”
Me: “No, it’s not crazy at all. It seems prudent, actually. *subtly jots down note to freeze eggs*
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And there you have it.
Do you ever imagine yourself going back to work after being a stay at home mom for many years? What would you want to do?